he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize