1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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