it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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