I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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