I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize