the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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