I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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