the condom got lost in my hair
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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