Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
