Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
