I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
