Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
