I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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