I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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