i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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