I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
