ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
