i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
