We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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