I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize