I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
