would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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