Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize