just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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