You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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