Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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