am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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