Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
