Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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