Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
