and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
false alarm. still invincible.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
A+ Viking dick
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
