This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
