I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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