so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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