dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
