defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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