Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
