youre lurking in front of me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
