Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
