apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
