Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
