awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
