Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
This house was built for laser tag.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
