the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
