yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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