All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
