The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
