Betty ford says i'm here all night
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
