I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
