Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
