All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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