I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
