She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
