My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
