Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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