My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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