Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
