she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
