New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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